Before becoming a mum, you probably expected the sleepless nights, the endless washing and the fact that leaving the house would suddenly require military-level planning. Everyone tells you life is about to change, but what many women aren’t prepared for is something much harder to explain.
Sometime after settling into your new routines, you might find yourself looking in the mirror, wondering, Who am I now?
You still recognise yourself, but don’t feel quite the same. The things that once defined your life become less important, and the role of ‘mum’ becomes what everyone else sees. It can be confusing, overwhelming, and even at times, lonely.
If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re far from alone. In fact, there’s a name for it: matrescence.
You’ve probably heard of adolescence. It’s the transition where our bodies, brains and identities change as we move into adulthood. Matrescence is kind of the same.
Coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s, the term describes the enormous physical, emotional, psychological and social transformation that happens when a woman becomes a mother. More recently, it’s gained attention as researchers and healthcare professionals have begun recognising that motherhood is about far more than recovering from birth or learning how to care for a newborn.
We see it as becoming an entirely new version of yourself.
That transition can feel exciting and deeply fulfilling. But it can also feel unsettling. The important thing to remember is that both feelings can exist at the same time.
Let’s be honest. Your body has been through an extraordinary physical experience. Hormones are shifting, sleep is depleted, and your brain is adapting to the constant responsibility of caring for another human. Simultaneously, your relationships may change, your career might pause or take a different direction, your social life looks different, and even your sense of independence can feel like it’s disappeared overnight.
It’s no surprise that many women don’t feel like themselves anymore. But you haven’t lost yourself, you’re in the middle of becoming someone new. Just as we don’t expect teenagers to navigate adolescence without change, we shouldn’t expect new mothers to move through matrescence without questioning who they are.
We find that many women feel guilty for missing the version of themselves that existed before children. They miss uninterrupted conversations, spontaneous weekends away, feeling confident at work, or just having the freedom to decide what they wanted to do with their own day.
Those feelings can be difficult to face because they seem to clash with the overwhelming love you have for your child. It’s important to remember, though, loving your baby and grieving parts of your old life are not opposing emotions.In fact, acknowledging those feelings is often a healthy part of adjusting to such a significant life transition.
Motherhood is both beautiful and challenging, and admitting this doesn’t make you a bad mother. It makes you human.
Social media has made it easier than ever to compare ourselves with everyone else. Scrolling through perfectly styled nurseries, smiling family photos and mothers who appear to have embraced parenthood with ease can leave you wondering why you’re finding it harder than everyone else.
But social media isn’t a reflection of the truth – it’s just the best bits! The truth is, most women experience moments of self-doubt during matrescence. We just don’t talk about them enough.
For generations, conversations around motherhood have focused on babies, feeding and milestones. Only in the last decade have we started recognising that mothers deserve just as much care and attention as the children they’re raising.
Interestingly, this idea isn’t new to all cultures. In Chinese tradition, the month after birth is known as Zuo Yuezi or “sitting the month” – a dedicated 30 to 40-day period where the focus shifts to the mother’s recovery, with rest, nourishing meals and support from family taking centre stage. While the traditions themselves differ from modern medical advice, the message behind them is powerful: a mother deserves care, too.
When women understand that matrescence is a normal part of becoming a mother, there’s often an enormous sense of relief. Instead of believing something is wrong with them.
Just as you wouldn’t expect to recover from birth without support, you shouldn’t feel like you need to navigate the emotional changes of motherhood on your own.
When you have a safe, judgement-free space to talk, it makes a big difference. Whether you’re feeling overwhelmed, anxious, disconnected from your identity, or simply trying to make sense of the changes you’re experiencing, speaking with a psychologist can help you process this new chapter with greater confidence and self-compassion.
At Grace Private, we believe caring for mothers is just as important as caring for babies. Our Gold Coast psychologists, Karen White and Kerryn Blunt, support women through every stage of pregnancy, postpartum and beyond using evidence-based therapeutic approaches tailored to each individual’s needs.
They can assist with pregnancy and postpartum anxiety, birth trauma, adjustment to motherhood, identity changes, perinatal depression, relationship challenges, grief and loss, returning to work after having a baby, stress, burnout and building emotional resilience.
If you’re navigating matrescence and don’t quite feel like yourself, book an appointment with one of the Grace Private Gold Coast psychologists today and let us support you through this important stage of motherhood with compassion and understanding.
